By Ore Fakorede
Lagos workers. We'd all rather work from home and earn oil company salaries, but our city doesn't work that way and we have learnt to cope. Still, here are our worst pains, in case anyone who can do something to make our lives easier is paying attention. Amen.
1. Public transportation is catastrophic. Sardine can-style loading (with the inadvertent attendant issues of body/mouth odour) and discourteous conductors make the hardship of commuting to and from work even harder. In Japan, bullet trains are a solu... nevermind.
2. Nowhere is safe (unless you're hidden behind the Great Wall of China and a small army of perpetually irritated dogs and armed guards). Quick fact: There's a car brand called Great Wall. Our Chinese friends are amazing that way. Don't buy it.
3. On the oh-so-posh Island, water (when it runs) could be liquefied sewage. No one is sure anymore. Best not to brush with it. And forget showers, use a bucket. That way you can add Dettol to your bath water and live to rinse soapy water off your flaky skin another day.
4. Horrible bosses. They come to work later than everyone else and leave earlier than everyone else yet they never stop screaming about 'punctuality' and 'productivity'. Demons. Banshees. Demonic banshees.
5. More horrible bosses. They pay salaries whenever their brain cells kick in, usually later than sooner. By the way, what's wrong with having a snacks bar in the office? Can't keep running up and down steep stairs to refill the stash of buns.
6. Local government thugs. All the old bus stops are gone. People are forced to walk longer distances from major roads to their offices. And don't say it's good exercise, we'll get fit at our convenience. Thank you.
7. LASTMA. And those beastly Vehicle Inspection Officers. An honest fellow can't even drive to work in peace anymore. Wait, an honest fellow doesn't even own a car? Shame.
8. Fashola. He clearly doesn't know the great pride that comes from beating everyone to work because you Bajajed or Jinchenged your way to the office. Bring back the bikes, Mr. I-Work-Harder-Than-All-The-Other-Governors-Combined.
9. Car owners. Watching them cruise past from the tiny crack called a yellow bus window makes you so jealous that you spend the entire workday scrolling through car listings on Cheki.com.ng, seething at your lack of funds and generally being unproductive.
10. Bus conductors. Have you ever fought over 10 naira and wound up with a query because you got to work late? You know the feeling. And the trash-talking buggers reek worse than Lekki water.